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Autumns Grave Orignial website

inside demons and dealing with bipolar














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I was diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder when i was 17 years of age. Let me say from then on it has been living hell. having bipolar is like living with millions of demons inside you. They take away the light and happiness in your life. You look at life as if its all against you. You turn away from people and the things you onced loved the most. My mom knew there was something not quite right with me as a kid. iIwas moody and overly hyper active and i was depressed most them time. I was basically out of control and got many share of my spankings togo with it. It just got alot more worse and destroyed my life when i was nearly 17. I used to cut myelf to relive myself from pain. It either relieved me from the pain i was feeling our i felt like i deserved it. I also had some type of eating disorders i'd totally binge one day and not eat for several days . All this pain just killed me and i hated the thoughts of me killing myself. I had 24/7 thoughts of suicide a day. I was lying on my bed one night crying and i talked to my mom about how i was feeling and what i was doing to myself. i showed her the cuts and and bruises i had on my arms from punching the walls. A few weeks went by and i saw a doctor.God did i hate her to death. She tried to put thoughts in my head that my parents were abusing me. It took me a while to get a referal to see a another doctor whom put me on a medication. In a weeks time i lost most of my hair and it intensified my feelings 100 times worse than what they were. I was a complete mess by the age of 18. I was then put on lithium. I stayed on that for 4 years. The Lithium caused nothing but stomach cramps and i always got this weird metal taste in my mouth. Then i would never sleep at nights so i was put on a sleeping aid. That worked but after the years i was on it it stopped working. I then started suffering anxiety/panic attacks. My heart would race and i would flip out by throwing stuff and screaming. You couldn't believe all the medicine i have been on and all the ones that haven't worked at all for me. Some medicines took away my sencse of balance and i would have to crawl up the stairs for a week cause i couldn't walk up them. Sometime i had a hard time feeding myself and i remember a time my mom feed me . Some medicines mad my vision blurry or i saw doubles of everything. Someone had to grab me by the arm to help me to walk. Most of my meds caused me to go from weighing a nice 149lbs to a nice 258lbs. Now i got the stretch marks to proove it :-(...yea i'll never look good in a bikini even when i do lose the weight! Then i started hallucinating visual and audioly. That was not good. Then i had a slpit personality who took over me and told me todo things. Like cute myslef 165 times or off the wall stuff like break things or cut my hair.  I did cut my hair. i had togo to my hair dresser and have her give me the new layered look. I call my other slpit personailty viola. That was her name. I'm on lots of meds right now and have not been hospitalized in 4 years now. I have been in the hospital 3 times for attepmt of suicide. Hospital stays are never fun. The food stinks and all the beds are bolted to the floor. Mirrors are nothing but metal with a high sheen. Its like looking at yourself in a toaster or the back of the spoon.  Now i have been on a great medication and i have had a steady behaviour since the new medications. i've lost all the weight and i'm looking at life through a whole new looking glass. We have alot of mental illness that runs in  family on both sides. I got dealt with a shitty hand of cards. I get plenty of support from family and a few friends and thanks to most of them they make my life pleasurable.Some days are way harder than others. I get tired easily from all the medication i'm on. I need at least 10 to 13 hours of sleep a day to keep me going. Life for me well never get easy its an on going challenge. 

This is me i have Bipolar!
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